News item: Sex with robots 'not far away'

Not coincidentally...

Republicans count on 'sex robots' to limit `08 convention sex scandals

WASHINGTON (Rooters) - Staggered by an onslaught of recent sex scandals involving Republican officials, party leaders have quietly sought to head off potential issues at next year's presidential nominating convention in Minneapolis by making experimental "sex robots" available to attendees.

A source close to Republican Party General Chairman, Senator Mel Martinzez (R-FL), said that Republican officials have decided to employ the "sex robots" at convention hotels to keep attendees "away from hookers, escorts, strip clubs and public restrooms at the airport."

Martinez declined to comment on the report.

An alleged sexual solicitation incident in a public restroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport led to a highly-publicized guilty plea by Republican Senator Larry Craig (R-ID). Craig at first said he would resign at the end of September after news of his plea became public. He later reversed himself, saying he planned to stay in office until the end of his term in 2008 while seeking a revocation of his plea.

When asked about the robot plan, Craig at first said he would not comment, but then added, "Seems to me that having a compliant robot available for a sexual encounter would negate a big part of the excitement of finding a partner. But I should add that I am not now, nor have I ever been, gay."

Misty Reins and Rod Stifler, two local Minneapolis escorts, wondered whether sexually active Republicans would be interested in the robots.

"I lost my last job due to off-shoring," said Reins, a 27-year-old buxom blond. "I was doing medical transcription work and all of that got shipped to India. Now I'm being replaced by a robot that was probably made in China? Maybe, maybe not."

Stifler, a tall, muscular 21-year-old college student, doubted that many of his potential convention customers would choose robots over his services.

"I'm sure these Republican closet cases wouldn't choose a robot over a big, strapping guy like me," Stifler noted. "Self-loathing perverts want the kind of ass-slapping, hard-banging combination of pain and pleasure that can only come from someone who knows how to bring it."

Reins added, "Does (Senator) David Vitter (R-LA) really think having his bottom spanked and diapered by a robot would be as hot as being whipped and wrapped up by a voluptuous woman in black leather boots and a leather teddy? I hope not. I was counting on raking in big bucks during that convention. I still think it will be a gold mine."

One Minnesota state party official, who asked not to be identified, said the use of the robots could have a negative effect on the local economy.

"Payment for sexual favors can be a huge addition to the money flow from events like a political convention." the official said. "To think that these additional funds will, instead, go to some company that makes sex robots is a little galling to the host cities and state."

The experimental robots are manufactured by a Chinese firm and are being licensed in the United States by Fantasy Products Corporation of Canoga Park, California. A public records search indicated that Fantasy Products was recently acquired by KBR Technical Services, Inc., a division of Halliburton. Vice President Dick Cheney is a former CEO of Halliburton. A spokesman for the Vice President's office denied knowing anything about the decision to employ the robots.

Fantasy Products Vice President of Sales Larry Stevens, son of Senator Ted Stevens (R-AK), refused to either admit or deny that the company received a contract to supply sex robots to the convention.

Stevens did suggest that the robots "are simply a cutting-edge extension of the 'Orgasmatron' that Woody Allen dreamed up for his 1973 film, 'Sleeper.'"

When asked if he had personally tried a sex robot, Stevens said, "Let me put it this way, 'The Smoking Gun' will not be posting my booking photo anytime soon. And that's what might make these robots valuable to the Republican Party."